Damage Report

Lyrics

[Intro – Spoken]
[Alarm Siren] [Computer Beep]
Captain to Engineering: “We need a damage report, right now!”
[Intercom Static]
Tech Lead to DevOps: “Put that report on my desk – immediately!”

[Verse 1]
Everything looked fine today,
the release was on its way.
But suddenly the red lights glow,
the database decides to blow!
Support is shouting: “Oh my God!”
The client screams: “Our systems stopped!”
And from the bridge the Captain roars:
“Damage report – and nothing more!”

[Chorus]
Damage report, right here on board!
Which of our systems just got destroyed?
Warp core’s burning, the client cries:
“We want the final damage report!”

[Verse 2 – Customer demand]
The client shouts: “We need to see,
the R-C-A, immediately!
Root Cause Analysis, black on white,
who made the mess? We want it right!”
But internally they just insist:
“First we need that damage report list!”

[Chorus – Call & Response]
Damage report! (R-C-A!)
We’ll write it down – just not today!
Call it what you want, the truth is clear:
It was a bug – that brought us here!

[Verse 3 – Management crisis]
Crisis meeting, Deck Four lights,
PowerPoints like phasers bright.
The C-F-O demands the floor:
“How could this fail? Explain once more!”
But DevOps whispers in the back:
“I just need more RAM to stack…”
“Too late!” cries Scotty, “Systems quit –
we only need the damage report script!”

[Chorus]
Damage report, right here on board!
Which of our systems just got destroyed?
Warp core’s burning, the client cries:
“We want the final damage report!”

[Verse 4 – Support overload]
Four hundred tickets, blinking red,
the helpdesk moans: “We’re overfed!”
The coffee machine is running hot,
the admin yells: “Reboot the lot!”
But with the night comes one more patch,
another bug is soon to hatch…
The Captain sighs, a weary sport:
“Again we need… a damage report!”

[Outro – Chorus Variation]
Damage report, right here on board!
Which of our systems just got destroyed?
I-T’s crashing, the client cries:
“We want again the damage report!”